Post Any Old Joke Here. - Page 7

Bunny · #61 (**permalink**) 17-08-2008, 12:00 PM

The one about the band aid on the mirror reminds me...

How do you know when Paddy has been using the computer to write a letter?

There's tippex all over the screen

madEvie · #62 (**permalink**) 29-08-2008, 06:51 PM

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for £500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for £500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for £500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for £500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Judith · #63 (**permalink**) 06-09-2008, 04:19 PM

This man buys a parrot and brings him home.
The parrot starts cursing the man and insulting
his wife. Finally, the man can't take it any longer
and throws the parrot into the freezer to teach him
a lesson.

The man and woman hear the parrot squalking really
loud for along time until finally it stops.
The man opens the freezer door and the parrot walks
out, looks up at them and says, "I apologize for
offending you and I humbly ask for your forgiveness."

The man says "Thanks, all is forgiven."
And the parrot says "If you don't mind me asking,
what did the frozen chicken do?"

Escafeldia · #64 (**permalink**) 09-09-2008, 08:44 PM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each
time he has to log on.?

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in...?

P...?

E..?

N...?

I...?

S...?

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:?

PASSWORD REJECTED...... NOT LONG ENOUGH

**Jezer** · #65 (**permalink**) 09-09-2008, 09:21 PM

Why are women so useless at parking a car?

Cos a man says that this- '----------------' is six inches.

Bunny · #66 (**permalink**) 27-09-2008, 09:08 PM

Found this on another forum...

A young Aussie bloke moved to London and went to Harrods looking
for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and
asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales
people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

£124,237.64

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell
did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish
hook and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing
and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that
twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy
came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
lady friend and I said,

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go
fishing.'

**Jezer** · #67 (**permalink**) 27-09-2008, 09:13 PM

Whatever it takes.

**Amy-Hols** · #68 (**permalink**) 01-10-2008, 09:50 PM

An oldie but still one of my favourites:

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy ,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer..

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

' What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME.."

**Amy-Hols** · #69 (**permalink**) 03-10-2008, 12:57 PM

Prepare to groan......

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.

The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?" The guy asked.

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs thought....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Here it is.........

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!! !!

hehe, my sincere apologies

Escafeldia · #70 (**permalink**) 03-10-2008, 04:27 PM

Absolutely Fantastic. I want to remember that but it is a pound to a pinch of Rocking Horse S**t I'll forget it in a couple of hours, or maybe less. Supercaulifowercheesebut----- there I told you didn't I?